Dealing With the Newtown Tragedy

I'm not usually the type of person to dwell on tragic events. I'm usually pretty good at processing it, dealing with my feelings, and moving on. But this tragic event is really taking its toll on me- as I am sure it is on many people. I suppose the reason for my lingering grief is multi-dimensional. Firstly, I am a parent, and I can't look at the faces of those lovely little children without seeing some of my own children's features in them. Secondly, I am a teacher and I cannot imagine how I would feel if faced with the task of having to keep my students safe, or knowing that I could not, from a madman. Thirdly, it's the holiday season, and I grieve for the families whose holidays will NEVER be a joyful as they were in years before December 14, 2012. Fourthly, I can't find any logic in this.

In the past there have been school tragedies, but there was always at least SOME sort of explanation. But there is nothing for the Newtown tragedy. There was no logical reason for that man to go to that school. He didn't have a problem with the kids, or the parents of those students. He hadn't been "wronged" by a current teacher or administrator at the building.....not that these are any so of reasons for a person to do what he did, but at least it would give me some reason for the events. We're all left wondering WHY?

I'm sure that I, like many, will never find closure. We will never be able to make sense of this act because it was created by a person who was not thinking normally when he acted. However, this lack of closure is making it very difficult for me to move on. I can't seem to think of much else these days; I break down when I hear Christmas songs, I censor everything I say in class because I don't want to even say words that may allude to the tragedy, and I am finding it very hard to get into the "Christmas Spirit" because the juxtaposition of my happiness and joy next to such tragic events seems so wrong.

I'm sure that, with time, I will move past these events. I will stop feeling nausea when I send my three-year-old to school and I will stop feeling guilty for being happy- but it's just so consuming right now.

If you are feeling as I am, how are you all dealing with this tragedy?

~S

A Mommy's Sacrifice: Time

When I was a teenager, I thought that my mom was crazy. She was ALWAYS busy. It seemed liked she loved to vacuum, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, etc. just because she liked to keep busy, but I now realize that she didn't LIKE to do those things- she HAD to! My mom worked a full-time job from the time I was about 3- even now she works full-time (albeit from home), even though she is amazing enough to watch my kids for me while I work. I guess I always just thought that she enjoyed keeping a house so much that she never sat down when she got home from work or when the weekend finally arrived and she had some time to herself. I suppose that I thought this partly because my mother never complained; she just did what she had to do to keep her house and her family in order.

Now that I am a mother myself, it has finally occurred to me that my mother didn't, in fact, enjoy working and cleaning at night and on weekends, but she had to because she wanted to keep everything clean and running smoothly for her family. This epiphany came to me while I was on the treadmill at the gym Friday morning at 5:45. I don't enjoy getting up at 4:30 in the morning 3 times a week to go to the gym, but I do it because the hour and a half workout in the morning saves me an hour and a half in the afternoon where I am able to be with my kids, or get home to help my husband, or to start dinner, do laundry, etc. I get up at the butt-crack of dawn and go to the gym to work out for an hour, use their yucky showers, and get dressed to go to work because I don't want to have to take away an hour to two hours from my family-time later in the day.

When I talk to teenagers about all of the reasons why they should wait to have kids, I often joke that if they ever want to nap again, or sleep past 6:30 in the morning, that they shouldn't have kids. But it's really not a joke. Perhaps one of the greatest sacrifices that a mother has to make is to give up her time. Whether it means giving up an extra hour or two of sleep so that you can work out in the morning, or cleaning the kitchen for an hour instead of sitting down and watching your favorite show after a long day at work, mothers have to sacrifice their time....all the time.

I have to admit, this has probably been the most challenging part of being a mom. I don't mind getting puked on, rarely being able to eat a hot meal, giving up my favorite spot on the couch and watching countless hours of Caillou and Jake and the Neverland Pirates, but I really miss getting to sleep in and wake up on my own terms, taking a nap if I'm tired or don't feel well, or sleep through an entire night without listening for a whimpering child who might need me. Would I give it up? No way. I love my kids and am so blessed to have them in my life, but I do need to acknowledge that I am human, and it is okay to miss some of the "me" time that I used to have. It's hard not to feel guilty as a mom, and feeling selfish and cranky about sacrificing my time makes me feel that mommy-guilt sometimes, but I suppose that's just another thing that mommies have to deal with.

What about all of you moms out there? Am I alone in feeling this? How do you deal with the guilt you feel when you want to have alone time? Is there a better balance between sacrificing my time and giving enough attention to my family? There must be an app for that, right? LOL.

Thanks for reading!
~ S