I'm not usually the type of person to dwell on tragic events. I'm usually pretty good at processing it, dealing with my feelings, and moving on. But this tragic event is really taking its toll on me- as I am sure it is on many people. I suppose the reason for my lingering grief is multi-dimensional. Firstly, I am a parent, and I can't look at the faces of those lovely little children without seeing some of my own children's features in them. Secondly, I am a teacher and I cannot imagine how I would feel if faced with the task of having to keep my students safe, or knowing that I could not, from a madman. Thirdly, it's the holiday season, and I grieve for the families whose holidays will NEVER be a joyful as they were in years before December 14, 2012. Fourthly, I can't find any logic in this.
In the past there have been school tragedies, but there was always at least SOME sort of explanation. But there is nothing for the Newtown tragedy. There was no logical reason for that man to go to that school. He didn't have a problem with the kids, or the parents of those students. He hadn't been "wronged" by a current teacher or administrator at the building.....not that these are any so of reasons for a person to do what he did, but at least it would give me some reason for the events. We're all left wondering WHY?
I'm sure that I, like many, will never find closure. We will never be able to make sense of this act because it was created by a person who was not thinking normally when he acted. However, this lack of closure is making it very difficult for me to move on. I can't seem to think of much else these days; I break down when I hear Christmas songs, I censor everything I say in class because I don't want to even say words that may allude to the tragedy, and I am finding it very hard to get into the "Christmas Spirit" because the juxtaposition of my happiness and joy next to such tragic events seems so wrong.
I'm sure that, with time, I will move past these events. I will stop feeling nausea when I send my three-year-old to school and I will stop feeling guilty for being happy- but it's just so consuming right now.
If you are feeling as I am, how are you all dealing with this tragedy?